Headline News
January 30, 2006 by Dave Earley
Filed under News
I think I’m going to have to come up with a new category. RSS syndication has led me to this point, with the first par of major news stories attached to a headline in a feed. When that’s all the news will give me in a syndicated feed, what’s a person to do?
And so I bring you Headline News or:
Dave makes critical analysis based only on headline and first par, without reading the actual story.
Nepal candidates ‘in safe houses’
Local election candidates in Nepal are being put in safe locations to protect them from Maoists, officials say. [BBC News]
Wasn’t that how Napoleon effectively declared himself emperor, by removing the French politicians for their own ‘protection’? So officials say local election candidates are being protected – what would local election candidates say, I wonder?
“Help! I’m in a box and I can’t get out!”
But then there’s this followup story the next day…
Nepal candidates abandon election
Up to 600 candidates for local polls in Nepal withdraw their nominations, say election officials. [BBC News]
In fact, we felt in such imminent danger from Maoists we realised the government was right, indeed we should withdraw in the interests of our own safety. I’ve actually read one of the stories now – these are all government candidates as the opposition are refusing to even participate.
Russia ‘to close rights group’
The Russian government seeks to close one of Moscow’s oldest human rights groups, reports say. [BBC News]
I cheated. I actually read this one earlier. It goes something along the lines of NGOs and human rights groups who are a threat to the security or stability of Russia can be effectively shut down. Or: You can work here and do ‘nice things’ for people until you disagree with us about which direction the wind blows, you stinking spies. And take your Georgian gas with you.
Hamas floats Palestinian ‘army’
Hamas is prepared to merge its military wing into a new Palestinian army, the group’s political leader says. [BBC News]
An army whose purpose would naturally be simply for the protection of Palestinians and not, of course, for the wanton destruction of Israel, every Jew who survived the Holocaust, and their progeny, and the United States… of course. Protection only.
Georgia cuts Russia embassy gas
Georgian officials cut off gas supplies to the Russian embassy there after blaming Moscow for its energy crisis. [BBC News]
Fair enough I say – shady Russians. They’re accused of having cut off gas to Georgia through the sabotage of pipelines, an energy crisis that has left most Georgians freezing in -20oC weather. A couple of cold Russian diplomats (read SPIES – shady Russkies) doesn’t warm the heart of every Georgian, or me, but it goes part of the way.
French troops to help fight virus
France is deploying 400 troops to fight a mosquito-borne virus on its island of Reunion in the Indian Ocean. [BBC News]
Hoho! You Frenchies and your mutant mosquito-borne viruses overpowering people in what is obviously a sign of the end-times. What did you think was going to happen when you nuked half the Pacific? And what are troops and guns going to do? Don’t you know, guns don’t kill mosquito-borne virus’s, people do!
Democrats fear Hillary too risky
HILLARY Clinton’s 2008 presidential campaign is running into a hail of opposition from within her own party after a poll showed last week most Americans would “definitely” not vote for her. [The Oz]
Democrats fear her too risky, or just too risqué? I think the latter is good cause for a great amount of fear in the hearts of us all.
To find out the answers to these and other questions I may have but won’t answer for myself, follow the above links! Stay tuned for future Headline News, where I will try to decide whether to stick with semi-serious analysis or continue the slide into mockery.
